On The Lighter Side

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious – Peter Ustinov

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it – Franklin P. Jones

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win – Henny Youngman

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of – Burt Bacharach

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this – Emo Phillips

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it – P.J. O’Rourke

You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100 – Woody Allen

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress – Will Rogers

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible – George Burns

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don’t actually live longer; it just seems longer – Clement Freud

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys – P.J. O’Rourke

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money – G Gordon Liddy

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams – Mary Ellen Kelly

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But then I repeat myself – Mark Twain

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it – Cullen Hightower

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from – Al Franken

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying – Woody Allen

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry – George Armstrong Custer

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you – Will Rogers

There are three kinds of men.  The one that learns by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves – Will Rogers

If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding two-lane road – Charles Farr

Never eat more than you can lift – Miss Piggy

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese – Steven Wright

I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I keep his house – Zsa Zsa Gabor

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry – Rita Rudner

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about – Oscar Wilde

The future isn’t what it used to be – Yogi Berra

I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book – Groucho Marx

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of life – so I became a scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls – Matt Cartmill

There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil.  The triumph of anything is a matter of organization.  If there are such things as angels, I hope they are organized along the lines of the mafia – Kurt Vonnegut

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age – Lucille Ball